Complete Humiliation

This is for all you Clash of Clans aficionados out there-especially those of you who, like me, suck but still continue playing no matter what. 

I’ve been playing this f’ng game for almost four years. I’ve upgraded, practiced, and stayed up nights glued to my phone cuz my shield ran out.  When others have given up in disgust, I’ve remained a loyal competitor. In short, I’m a slave to the game. What game you ask? What game could possibly cause this much grief and aggravation? Clash of Clans.

Super Cell, creative geniuses or sick bastards depending on your outlook, have developed a game that millions worldwide play daily. For all of you smarter than me people who don’t play COC, what you’re missing is a game in which each player builds his own unique village initially utilizing resources provided by the fine folk at Super Cell . While your villagers create some of the stuff you’ll need for upgrades, your best bet is to raid someone else’s village for the necessities . (Yes, there is a monetary option if you’re feeling rich. I’m never feeling that rich, so we won’t go there.) Villagers band together creating clans of 50 or less competitors. Clans war on one another in the hope of winning even more resources so they can build even bigger better villages with stronger troops.

The game combines a challenging skill level needed to win consistently, with a high degree of social interaction among clan members. Clans are sometimes exclusive- composed of family members or people you work with. Some clans are thrown together by chance. Participants may raid as individuals where no one usually views your attack, or as part of a larger war, where anyone from either clan may watch your attack. Attacks are awarded 0 to 3 stars. The clan with the most stars wins when the war ends.

Yup, here it comes: Anyone from either warring clan may view  your war attack. Technically that could mean up to 100 people watching your epic failure, but really, it only takes the right 2 or 3 commentators to ruin your day.

I am not all that and a bag of chips as an attacker. Occasionally an attack gets me 3 stars, but most days, not. That’s on account of I suck. But still I struggle to improve my performance for the next war, only to have those hopes dashed time and again.

The debacle usually goes like this: Me: What number do you want me to attack, Leader?

Leader: What number do you think you can three?

Oh shit, I hate it when he does that. It’s sorta like asking me which thumb I’d rather lose. Plus, cuz I picked the target, I have no excuse for a failed attack.

Me: Ummm, I don’t know….Maybe 21 (I’m number 15. Dropping six places is about as far as I can drop and not incur the disdain of the other players-well except player 21 who is now seriously pissed cuz I just poached his target. Too bad 21, rank hath its privileges.)

Leader: Well,  you know if you take 21 you’ll have to send three kills squads for the two heroes, drop 12 healers on the 24 wizards, hang by your toenails from the light fixture, and sacrifice your firstborn.

Me: Ok.

So, for the next hour or so I stare at my opponent’s war base trying to figure out how to attack it. Hmmm, maybe drop troops on the left. Maybe from the right. If I drop six hogs from the top…Eventually my fevered brain comes up with this scathingly brilliant plan that’s sure to succeed-at least  in  the recesses of my own mind…

I attack!!!!  Three minutes later I’ve earned 0 stars with 21% total damage inflicted on the other guy’s base. Our 21 is thanking me for showing him where all the traps and bombs are (were) hidden. He then three stars the base. At least 12 people saw my disaster and the comments are rollin’ and scrollin’. I think my humiliation is complete, and then it comes:

Leader: Pia.

Oh shit again. What follows is a second by second dissection of my attack, why it failed, what I should have done, what the Leader TOLD me to do-you get the picture.

Me: When’s the next war. I’m in.




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